Never Split the Difference - Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It By Chris Voss & Tahl Raz
August 2019Rating: 8 / 10
Negotiation is not based on emotions not rationality. The goal of negotiation is to communicate effectively what both parties want and agree on a deal that would not be a compromise for either. To reach good deals, one need to listen to the other side and fully acknowledge and understand their position.
The more information one have the easier to negotiate. Using open ended question is necessary to get as much information as possible and uncover the unexpected. Aim for a fair deal from their point of view. The deal must be appealing emotionally. To reach a good agreement always frame the proposition from their point of view using their language.
- The conventional wisdom of negotiation expects humans to be rational and demands to separate the person from the problem for a successful negotiation. But we are all irrational and emotional.
- People would like to be understood and accepted. Listening is a powerful tool to give people that feeling. Listening is very hard, mostly we are listening to our own voice in our heads. Human connection is the first goal.
- Negotiations are nothing more than communication with results. “Yes” is nothing without “How”.
- One goal is to extract as much information was possible and be emotionally open to all possibilities.
- Slowing down any conversation helps with gathering information and listening. Give a chance for the speaker to articulate what they do want.
- The most effective tool in verbal communication is your voice.
- Late night DJ voice, positive/playful voice and assertive voice are mostly the options available during negotiations.
- We fear what is different and drawn to what is similar. We trust people more when we view them as being similar to us.
- Mirroring is essentially imitation and it helps with gaining trust.Mirroring’s message should be - “please help me to understand”
- Emotional intelligence requires talking less and listening more. Empathy is the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart and the vocalization of that recognition. Tactical empathy is understanding but also hearing what is behind those feeling.
- The more you know about someone, the more power you have.
- Labeling is a way of validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it.
- Neutralize the negative and reinforce the positive. The best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, label it and replace it with positive thoughts.
- No communication is always a bad sign.
- List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can.
- No is the start of the negotiation not the end of it.
- People have a need to feel in control as they have a need for autonomy. Invite the other side to say no. No gives the feeling of safety and being in control. If you are biggest fear is “No”, you can’t negotiate.
- Compromise and logic don’t help with controlling others’ decisions. We can only aim to influence others by understanding their world and listening to their words.
- To get one “No”, mislabel one emotion or desire. Example: “Have you given up on this project ?”
- Define their desires as a function of what they don’t want.
- “That’s right” give the confirmation that you understood what they meant. Paraphrasing + labeling = summary
- Compromise is often a “bad deal”.
- Negotiation is never a linear formula
- Deadline are often arbitrary. A small lose of leverage “They knew my deadline, but I didn’t know theirs.”
- People seek fairness.
- Know the emotional drivers and you can communicate the benefits of any deal in the language of the other. Understand their “religion”. Speak in their own language.
- People are drown to sure things over probabilities even when they probability is a better choice.
- Acknowledge all their fears.
- Let them go first with monetary terms.
- Give a range and expect them to go to the lower end
- Pivot to non-monetary terms.
- If someone gives you guidance, they will watch to see if you follow their advice.
- Ask them to explain how you are being unfair.
- Bend their reality by anchoring the starting point.
- It is impossible to have a dialogue in the middle of a firefight.
- Hope is not a “strategy”.
- There is information that you can only get through direct extended interaction.
- When somebody gives you something, they expect something in return.
- Unbelief is the friction that keeps persuasion in check.
- Start with “what”, “how” and sometimes “why”.
- When not in control, they react by being extremely defensive or lashing out.
- Listeners are more in control.
- Negotiation is often called “the art of letting someone else have your way”
- The deal killers are more important than the deal makers.
- Negotiations fail often not because of money but due self-esteem, status and other non-monetary needs.
- Body language and tone of voice is extremely important.
- Get them to solve your problem for you. “How am I spoused to do that?”
- People are either accommodators, assertive or data-loving analysts. To the analyst, use clear data and avoid surprises. Accommodators like to have lengthy conversations, and like to be your friend even if the deal doesn’t work out. Assertive wants to be heard.
- Time mean different thing to different people (analyst = preparation, accommodator = relationship, assertive = money). Accommodators are not big fans of silence while analyst need it to think.
- You fall to your highest level preparation.
- 65, 85, 95 and then finally the real 100 percent.
- Watch out for black swans. Every side typically have 3 black-swan piece of information.
- Embrace more intuitive and nuanced ways of listening.
- The party who feels they have more to lose and are the most afraid of that lose has less leverage.
- Pause & think.
- Relax and smile.
- Never force your opponent to admit you are right.
- Use open ended questions.
- Use your name to introduce yourself.
- Never be neady for a deal.
- Don’t look to verify what you expect.
- Voice your observations with your counterpart.
- Don’t treat others the way you want to be treated: treat them the way they need to be treated.
- Focus on clearing the barriers to agreement.
- Focus on the other person. The word “I” gets people guard up.
- Use odd numbers.
- Surprise with a gift.
- Positive leverage is knowing what they want
- Negative leverage is focusing on what could potentially be lost if the deal doesn’t work out. Giving them something concrete to lose = leverage.
- Normative leverage is using their standards and norms to advance your position.